Uncle Joe

Hazel Ratcliffe

Every family’s got one, ours is Uncle Joe,
A true black sheep in every way, a proper so and so.
Whenever we have a family do he starts his party tricks
Like using his false teeth as castanets he loves to hear the clicks.

He also likes a beer or two, or three or four or more
Which then leads on to choruses of 'My Way' by the score.
One day he quite surpassed himself and went out into town,
He came home in a police car which caused Aunt Pat to frown,

Now what has he been up to? Auntie wondered in trepidation
As she braced herself and steeled herself to hear his explanation.
"Well love, you know I've a pal called Ned who owns a launderette"
To gain himself a bit more time he then lit a cigarette.

"Ned and I were bored, you see, so we set each other a dare
Mine seemed so simple I did it without turning a hair,
Just along the street from Ned’s there happens to be a convent
So I walked along, knocked on the door and acted like I was innocent,
I took a deep breath and gritted my teeth, scared as a load of rabbits,
Then I asked that Sister Agnes if she had any dirty habits".

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