Gobshite Tennis

Shiela Mellor-Barnes

There's a new sport that's unlikely to gain Olympic recognition
It requires no equipment, physique or supervision.
It tends to be played by men who like the sound of their own voice
(Though I'm sure women could compete if given the choice)
SILENCE PLEASE FOR GOBSHITE TENNIS

Bob's off to see his girlfriend - a battle is due
She wants a trip to Monte Carlo, he wants train-spotting in Crewe.
His best mate Tom, offers his two-pennorth:
"Nowt to it, buy her a ticket, give her spends for her new gear
Then bugger off on yer own - like I did last year."

"Where did you go last year then?" asked Bob, his mate,
"0, she went to Greece, I went to Harrogate,
Best breweries are in Yorkshire, I toured round 'em all,
Cricket's shite, rugby's crap an' I hate football.
I met a lass wi' a Harley - boy, she made it go,
We talked crankshafts and torque ratios, and of course I scored.
HEY UP, ITS GOBSHITE TENNIS

I saw Wigan Athletic, best team they ever turned. out,
Was 1967, of that I have no doubt.
Alf Craig's goal was disallowed tho' it crashed in t' net,
The ref should've let it stand, the cheating little get.
ANOTHER GAME OF GOBSHITE TENNIS

Bob glistens with babyoil as he shows off his pecs,
He pumps iron and believes his balls will shrink if he doesn't have sex.
Toms closest friends are his hairdryer and his looking glass,
Chats up the girls by talking through his ass.
Brags in the gym about his success in bed,
Introduces the girls to his penis, Mr Ed.
A PASSIONATE GAME, THIS GOBSHITE TENNIS

Mike and Paul like football, curry and a jar,
Mike believes he's God's gift in his customised sports car.
They talk of high performance and turbo 4 by 4's,
Engine ratios, m.p.g., 0-60 - what a couple of bores.
HIGH REVS PLEASE, ITS GOBSHITE TENNIS.

Stu and Jim swap fishy tales about the one that got away,
Comparing catches, talking matches, trivia rules okay.
Their Friday nights are spent, preparing for the match,
Then off to grab a granny night to see what they can catch.
GAME, SET AND MATCH, ITS GOBSHITE TENNIS

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